Life is short.
Eat the good cake.

Cake Me to the ICU · cakemetothe.icu

Not a factory.
A kitchen with frosting.

So here's the deal, sparky. I need to make just enough money to feed my sweet-creation habit, but not enough for it to feel like a job. You're being charged just enough to cover materials, plus a teeny bit extra so I can treat myself to those new tools marketing has convinced me I need. And shout-out to the Cake Decorating R Us marketing team, because there are sooo many things I think I need.

Yes, you can get perfectly lovely baked goods from Walmart for much less, so why get your sweets from me? One word: butter. I use real butter. Once you taste it, you can't un-taste it. Your life will never be the same.

This is also fair warning: nothing about my goodies is healthy. Do not besmirch the good name of my baking by asking for something healthy. I won't; you can't make me. Just embrace the fact that no one lives forever and enjoy the indulgence. Or don't—that's cool, too. But you won't live any longer by eating a Walmart cake, so why not sponsor my hobby?

I reserve the right to complete artistic freedom. You provide the inspiration, and the cake and I decide the rest. Mention one or two colors or a color scheme—blue and green, bright and cheerful, brooding, pastels. Tell me the occasion: a birthday, just because, a baby shower, or “I'm just supposed to bring a dessert.” Add an overall theme—flowers, stars, monsters—and a style: modern, classic, weird, simple. You get the idea.

Oh, and yeah, this is a boutique-style hobby. You aren't getting an assembly-line-perfect display piece, but buttercream art meant to be eaten.

“So, how do I get this fabulously economic and delicious deal?” you ask. Well, my friend, all you have to do is fill out the simple request form, and I'll respond within 48 hours.

“But why ‘request’ and not ‘order’?” you ask. Well, I have kids, and the state requires that they get educated. Their school thinks I'm one of those parents who wants to be involved, so they want me to do things like oversee homework, show up for field trips, make sure everyone's clothes are clean, and—at some point—eat something other than cake scraps (more's the pity).

Basically, as much as I'd like to play baker all the time, I can't. And if I have to be a responsible adult, it feels only right to make you suffer with me. But please do send a request, even if we can't find a date that works for both of us. It makes me feel good to have my goodies wanted—a bit of a psychological boost, as it were. And you'll feel better about yourself because you improved the mental health of a poor little homemaker. Win-win. Basically, you can't lose here.

A peek at the goodies ↗